To Preserve Another Dream

Last night I dreamt that my dad died. 

I have had dreams like this before but usually the people who died in my dream had already passed on long before.  This is the first time that someone still alive had died in my dream.  And this is the first time a person from my immediate family had died. 

I am not sure how my dad died.  All I remember was that I showed up home and his body was already at the mosque ready for burial. 

I remember that I could picture him in my head wrapped in a white cloth.  I tried to picture what his face was going to look like when I saw him.  Oddly, my mother and my brothers were calm and collected.  Nobody was crying. 

It’s been a few hours since I woke up from this dream so I am trying to recall all the small details.  All I remember now is that we were living in a bi-level house.  I remember I had a calm sense of relief knowing that I had a job and I would be able to support my family. 

I remember I went downstairs to my room.  I was getting ready for my dad’s funeral.  That is when it started to hit me that he was died.  I would spontaneously break down into a few seconds of crying and then remind myself to keep composure.  I would tell myself that I will cry at the Mosque, not at home. 

I got ready and went upstairs to the entrance of the house, where we put our shoes and coats.  I remember looking at the time.  It was around 12.30 in the afternoon.  The sun was shining through the windows of the house.  I remember telling my mom that it was too early to leave the house.  We still had an hour and half until we were supposed to be there.  My mom, still calm and composed, told me that it was alright, that she wanted to take her time and relax on her way to the Mosque. 

I told my mother OK, and I was on my way back downstairs to my room.  That’s when I saw my Dad, who I thought was dead, coming down the stairs.  I couldn’t believe it.  He started walking down the stairs wearing this blue ski jacket that he always wears; the one where the zipper is broken and the only way to stay warm in it is to simply button it up. 

I remember feeling this incredible feeling of joy, a type of happiness that I have never ever felt before in my entire life.  It was almost a complete sense of utter inner peace.  As he’s coming down, I remember him getting slightly mad and giving me a 20 dollar bill.  He didn’t exactly hand it to me, rather he let it go and it kind of fluttered in front of me.  I let it fall to the ground. 

He then preceded to come downstairs.  He began to smile.  I remember that in the back of my head I knew that he wasn’t real.  That I was just seeing him in my head.  But I was still overjoyed nonetheless.  I tried to tell my mom that my dad was here.  But her back was turned to me and I couldn’t manage to grab her attention. 

He came down the stairs smiling.  He said something to me while going down the stairs.  He said it in Urdu.  He said it in two parts.  The first part, I can’t really recall what he said.  And in the dream,  remember asking myself what it meant that he said.  They were words in Urdu that are beyond me.  The second part he he said, he said as he walked past me and attempted to open a door.  He said something along the lines of, (in Urdu) “…with money” or “with this money, you” or “we will be able to pay off this house.” 

That’s when my eyes opened.  When I woke up it was sunny.  I never blinked for a good minute.    The sun was shining brightly through my window.  I have an odd feeling that I woke up at 12.30 in the afternoon because when I decided to look at the clock, it was about 12.55 in the afternoon.  I was so scared when I woke up because I actually thought the dream was real.  I layed there for for what seemed like a good chunk of time trying to remind myself that it was just a dream.  I also wanted to go upstairs and check of my dad was in fact alive.  But I didn’t. 

I have always heard that when someone dies in your dreams it means they will have a long life.  I don’t know if its actually true or not.  But I kept telling myself that this dream is a good sign and that he in fact will have a long life, as a means of comforting myself and trying to overcome the fear I was experiencing. 

I really don’t know what this dream means.  I am not sure if I want to know.  Maybe it means nothing.  All I know is that I am glad my dad is alive right now.

We Will Not Go Down (Song For Gaza)


WE WILL NOT GO DOWN (Song for Gaza)
Composed by Michael Heart

A blinding flash of white light
Lit up the sky over Gaza tonight
People running for cover
Not knowing whether they’re dead or alive

They came with their tanks and their planes
With ravaging fiery flames
And nothing remains
Just a voice rising up in the smoky haze

We will not go down
In the night, without a fight
You can burn up our mosques and our homes and our schools
But our spirit will never die
We will not go down
In Gaza tonight

Women and children alike
Murdered and massacred night after night
While the so-called leaders of countries afar
Debated on who’s wrong or right

But their powerless words were in vain
And the bombs fell down like acid rain
But through the tears and the blood and the pain
You can still hear that voice through the smoky haze

We will not go down
In the night, without a fight
You can burn up our mosques and our homes and our schools
But our spirit will never die
We will not go down
In Gaza tonight

My Nature…

This past year has been one of ups and downs.  A lot of things have changed this year that I literally thought would never happen to me.  A lot of the stuff that happened has gotten my mind off things that have gone on in the past.  And I am very thankful for that.  But the journey of self discovery has never ceases.

Lately, I have begun to discover that becoming close to someone is not something that I am quite ready for.  This has come to light recently.  I quickly became close friends with someone and due to certain circumstances, had to tell this person that I can longer be close to them.  I haven’t known this person for a very long time.  And usually in the past, if someone drifted away from me, I would just accept it and move on.  But this time, for some reason, its not as easy as I thought it would be.  I am constantly thinking about this person and I feel that I have really hurt them in these short culmination of events and period of time.  The worst part of all of this is that it’s really hard to get out of my mind.

Every time I get a text message, every time I see stranger that remotely even looks like this person, every time I actually see her, I get excited and nervous at the same time.  I had vowed to myself last time that I would not let anyone do this to me anymore.  And I literally worked on myself for years to get over the first person.  And when I finally got over her, this other person comes along and literally destroyed years of hard work and effort.

But I think it’s a good thing that I have ended my correspondence with this person early.  I can still salvage what little I have worked to build.  It sounds corny but I didn’t mean for any of this to happen, it just kind of…happened.  And now its going to take some time for me to let go.

I’ve discovered that I am way too sensitive of a person.  At first I thought that because of my past situation, I was merely feeling the pains of heartbreak.  But it is becoming apparent that there is more too it than that.  I actually cannot stand the fact that someones heart can break because of me.  I can’t stand the fact that because of my actions, what I said or did, that someones heart now has a blemish on it.  I am starting to discover that my nature is far more complex than I had originally known.  It’s actually quite painful in one sense but liberating in another because now that I know more about who I am as a person, I can better identify situations and judge them accordingly.

Right now my nature is as such that it is painful to get close to another person and so my lesson right now is not to get close with anyone.  The question now is when will I know that I can get close with someone…

Amir Sulaiman – She Said I Prefer A Broken Neck

The Library…

If ever there was a time where a moment captured your beauty, it was tonight.  On the tenth floor of the library on campus; sitting beside each other in a little cubicle.  You staring at me, I staring at you; our heads down, just smiling at each other.  Surrounded and protected by the books of knowledge, sitting on the shelves, waiting to be read, I sat there reading the look in your eyes.  There was not a moment that night where I did not melt.  You’re innocence had captured my heart and trapped it in every cell of my body.  Your eyes sparkled.  Your smile illuminated with divine light.  I kept praying to God for this moment to never end.  I prayed for time to cease, for everything around our cubicle to stop.  I wrinkled my nose at you in love, and you laughed an adorable laugh; a sound which my heart interpreted as music.  A large lock of hair fell over your eye, covering most of your face; leaving only a small part of your cheek exposed.  I melted again, as your beauty looked more beautiful with your hair littered all over your face.  I reached over and kissed that little part of your exposed cheek and put my head back down on the table.  You smiled the most loving smile I had ever seen.  We sat like that for the rest of the night.  How I wish I could have stopped time…



One of the few things that I truly desire in this world is a daughter.  I hope that Inshallah one day, when I am happily married that I am blessed with at least one.  I think that this desire comes from my desire to have a sister.  I’ve never had a sister and so the way I see it, having a daughter would a good alternative. 

Its funny because the last few Jummas that I have gone to, I’ve been distracted  by the cute little daughters that the Uncle’s in front of me struggle to take control of.  They are just so cute.  Some of them will come in with their cute little hijabs on, getting wholly irritated when it doesn’t stay on their heads…when I see a little girl it just melts my heart. Everything about them; their hair, the way they cry and bug their parents, their innocence, their eyes, their smile, their laughter…just everything.

I frequently lay in bed and wonder what it would be like to have a daughter; how wonderful and colourful life would be.  I would just love to dress her up and decorate her with all the little girly things you can get at the store.  I just know that once I have a daughter, I’ll be grabbing every hair bow, every frock, every doll and anything else that baby girls play with.  I always picture myself taking her to the park or to Chucky Cheese’s and just watching her play and be happy.  I picture myself taking her to school on her first day, consoling her if she started crying and utterly missing her while I am at work.  I picture coming home after work and having her run up to me and hug and kiss me and tell me that she missed me.

I would love to watch as she grows and matures into a beautiful young woman, with her own ideas and accomplishments.  Frequently I can imagine having conversations about anything and everything; being a friend to her, having her confide in me, coming to me with her problems and concerns.  I imagine fighting with her, laughing with her, crying with her.  I imagine feeling crushed when something doesn’t go her way and feeling jubilant when everything goes her way.  I just imagine her…being.

I can’t wait until she is born.  I can’t wait until she starts crawling and walking.  I can’t wait until she begins to speak.  I can’t wait until she begins to develop her own thoughts and ideas.  I can’t wait until she grows up and gets married, has her own husband and kids.  I cannot wait until that one day where she realizes that she is truly happy. 

I consider daughters to be a gift from God.  They are like this little peice of heaven that God gives us to enjoy.  They are truly blessings of Allah.  Daughters become sisters, wives, mothers, grandmothers and in some cases, great grandmothers.  They keep humanity constant.  They bring life and happiness to a household.  They bring colour and goodwill, caring and love into a family. 

To this day, I cannot understand how people treat their daughters in the manner that they do.  All to frequently I hear of mothers and fathers treating their daughters as if they were a piece of meat, a slave or something that can be replaced.  Even as I write this post, I am speaking to a friend who is living in a poisonous environment at home.  I can’t understand these honour killings and how a father or the entire family can drive themselves to kill their daughters.  Perhaps I am naive.  Perhaps I will never understand it.  But everytime I hear a story like that, my heart breaks.  To do that to something that is so beautiful…its just heartbreaking.

I have already selected a list of names to consider for my daughter.  And as soon as I am in a position to do so, I will set up a little savings account for my daughter that I will give to her when she enters university.  I also want to set up a small savings account for her wedding.  There is a particular reason for this.  I once went to a wedding of this girl that I vaguely knew.  Sparing the details, her wedding ended up happening in their two bedroom townhouse in an area of the city that wasn’t the greatest.  Her mother was a sweetheart; one of the nicests and most endearing people I know.  Anyways, her daughter was having the wedding in their tiny little townhouse.  There were tires outside on the lawn.  The stairs were creaking when she came down.  There was hardly any room for us to sit.  There were spiders crawling on the carpet.  I can’t really describe it but it was just heartbreaking.  This Auntie did not deserve to have her daughter be married in the way she had.  And it wasn’t really her fault.  Circumstances were as such that they had no alternative.  I couldn’t bare to look at either Auntie or her daughter in the eye because I was embarrassed for them.  Again, it was utterly heartbreaking.  After that day, I vowed that I would never let me daughter go through something like this.  I vowed to save up money and give her the wedding of her dreams.

Even if I were to be denied every other desire for the rest of my life, I would consider my life complete to have even one daughter.  And Inshallah, I pray that Allah grants me this one wish of mine.


The World And I

If the world is truth, than I am false. 
If the world is love, than I am heartbreak.
If the world is light, than I am a shadow.
If the world is an optimist, than I am a pessimist.
If the world is united, than I am divided.
If the world is whole, than I am broken.
If the world is round, than I am flat.
If the world is ordered, than I am chaotic.
If the world is a friend, than I am lonely.
If the world is meaning, than I am meaningless.
If the world is intelligent, than I am naive.
If the world is relevant, than I am irrelevant.
If the world is of God, than I am lost.

Thus is the turmoil of my individual self in this world of great.

-mast malang