This past year has been one of ups and downs. A lot of things have changed this year that I literally thought would never happen to me. A lot of the stuff that happened has gotten my mind off things that have gone on in the past. And I am very thankful for that. But the journey of self discovery has never ceases.
Lately, I have begun to discover that becoming close to someone is not something that I am quite ready for. This has come to light recently. I quickly became close friends with someone and due to certain circumstances, had to tell this person that I can longer be close to them. I haven’t known this person for a very long time. And usually in the past, if someone drifted away from me, I would just accept it and move on. But this time, for some reason, its not as easy as I thought it would be. I am constantly thinking about this person and I feel that I have really hurt them in these short culmination of events and period of time. The worst part of all of this is that it’s really hard to get out of my mind.
Every time I get a text message, every time I see stranger that remotely even looks like this person, every time I actually see her, I get excited and nervous at the same time. I had vowed to myself last time that I would not let anyone do this to me anymore. And I literally worked on myself for years to get over the first person. And when I finally got over her, this other person comes along and literally destroyed years of hard work and effort.
But I think it’s a good thing that I have ended my correspondence with this person early. I can still salvage what little I have worked to build. It sounds corny but I didn’t mean for any of this to happen, it just kind of…happened. And now its going to take some time for me to let go.
I’ve discovered that I am way too sensitive of a person. At first I thought that because of my past situation, I was merely feeling the pains of heartbreak. But it is becoming apparent that there is more too it than that. I actually cannot stand the fact that someones heart can break because of me. I can’t stand the fact that because of my actions, what I said or did, that someones heart now has a blemish on it. I am starting to discover that my nature is far more complex than I had originally known. It’s actually quite painful in one sense but liberating in another because now that I know more about who I am as a person, I can better identify situations and judge them accordingly.
Right now my nature is as such that it is painful to get close to another person and so my lesson right now is not to get close with anyone. The question now is when will I know that I can get close with someone…