They say that it is better to have loved and lost, than to have not loved at all. I could not disagree more. I would have rather not fallen in love than to have fallen in love only to be wrot with such a wretched pain that it rocks my body; such a wretched pain that even the mear thought of her makes me sick to my stomach; such a wretched pain that the jealously has cooked me from the inside; such a wretched pain that it robs me of my sleep, my appetite, my sanity. I am so much more week than I first started. I have been defeated. Years later, I have still not been able to move on. Cynicism races through my blood. I still don’t realize I am surviving all of this. How do people move on? How do they fall in love again? I can’t fall in love with anyone else, even if my life depended on it. I am the product of a love that was lost. You don’t want to be me…trust me. This pain lingers and will continue to. It may become a part of me…it seems that way. I may have to get used to it. Will I ever be able to forget her when I am married? That is one fear that I have, among many. My other big fear is falling so deep in love that I may never be able t get out. I want to talk to her but at the same time I wish she was out of my life…that she was never in my life to begin with. I gave everything and now am left with nothing but anger, resentment, cynicism and hate. And although I appear to be happy on the outside, it is a lie. I am all but happy inside. Nobody cares. Nor should they. I am but an insignificant being. Other people have far greater pains and hurts in their lives…legitimate pains. I was better off when I loved not.