A Love I Cannot Get Rid Of…

They say that it is better to have loved and lost, than to have not loved at all.  I could not disagree more.  I would have rather not fallen in love than to have fallen in love only to be wrot with such a wretched pain that it rocks my body; such a wretched pain that even the mear thought of her makes me sick to my stomach; such a wretched pain that the jealously has cooked me from the inside; such a wretched pain that it robs me of my sleep, my appetite, my sanity.  I am so much more week than I first started.  I have been defeated.  Years later, I have still not been able to move on.  Cynicism races through my blood.  I still don’t realize I am surviving all of this.  How do people move on?  How do they fall in love again?  I can’t fall in love with anyone else, even if my life depended on it.  I am the product of a love that was lost.  You don’t want to be me…trust me.  This pain lingers and will continue to.  It may become a part of me…it seems that way.  I may have to get used to it.  Will I ever be able to forget her when I am married?  That is one fear that I have, among many.  My other big fear is falling so deep in love that  I may never be able t get out.  I want to talk to her but at the same time  I wish she was out of my life…that she was never in my life to begin with.  I gave everything and now am left with nothing but anger, resentment, cynicism and hate.  And although I appear to be happy on the outside, it is a lie.  I am all but happy inside.  Nobody cares.  Nor should they.  I am but an insignificant being.  Other people have far greater pains and hurts in their lives…legitimate pains.  I was better off when I loved not. 

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6 responses to “A Love I Cannot Get Rid Of…

  1. Touching lines…You sure need a change in your life -as Iqbal said:
    “Khuda tukhe kissi toofan se ashna kar day….”
    At least the lamp post serves its essential purpose – spreading light.

  2. Indeed, I do need a change in my life. Inshallah that change will come soon.

    The last line in your comment really touched me. Thank you.

  3. mastmalang – if you really love her – let her go. True love demands that you still want her to be happy even if it is not with you. This is a very bitter pill to swallow – but we can’t force people to love us. Make dua for her every day, that Allah look after her and her loved ones. She may have rejected your love, but she cannot reject your dua’s …

    Inshallah, waqt ke saath saath Allah aap ko sabr bhi de ga – ameen. It is hard my friend, but you are not alone in this. Remember that Allah brought you into this world for a reason – “And the goal is to meet Allah”. Al-Qur’an. Find meaning and purpose in your life – feed the hungry around you – they need you. See if Allah does not turn your life around. Everything in this life is temporary meri jaan – including har rishta.

  4. Salaam alaykoum, Peace to you

    I understand your feelings and the pain that you are enduring. No one can move on over night, and anyone who claims he/she can, is lying. Many of us make the mistake (by no fault of our own) of making someone our Soul Mate, when in reality, she/he is not. You seem like a person who longs for Love – a blessed longing that is – and trust me when I say that you will become a stronger and more passionate individual after you overcome this pain. Prophet Muhammad once said that if something causes you too much pain, then let it go. I know that is not easy, I have been there before. But don’t give up on Love. Never give up on Love. Love is in your Creation, it is in your Blood, your Spirit, in the Soul of the World, and the many people who give on Love end up burying themselves in defeat. By reading some of your poems and entries, your Love is needed in the world, and it needs to be shared, don’t let the flame be burnt out. I’ve been in those states of pain and depression before, I would listen to dark music to suit my mood, I would write dark poetry, I wouldn’t smile or be nice to people, but it never had a permanent effect on me, because deep down, my heart still Believed. Give yourself time. When you get back on the open road and you walk with God’s Guidance, you will find someone else walking towards you one day, and this person is your true Soul Mate, your Mirror, your Twin Half. And this Friend, this Companion, will never leave you.

    Your Love is Special, and there IS someone out there who you will share it with. Just give it time and put your Trust in God. He will fill your emptiness when the time is right, insha’Allah. Trust me on that.

    Allah hafez

    ~JehanZeb~

  5. hey..man that is the sweetest thing ive ever read…y?..because its very true..the thing is..i had a bf but he went away and now i got a new one but im just not interested aeh..thanx for the thought..reali touched me

  6. Thank you for your kind comments Koleta.

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