Having a girl that you love that doesn’t love you back the same way, coming back into your life, even if its just for a few hours, a girl that you have been trying for years to get over, trying everything…even hating her for not reciprocating that love, a girl that you wish you never met because of all that she has put you through, a girl that makes you burn with jealousy, a girl who’s thoughts make your stomach sick, your legs numb, a girl who’s thoughts make the light shining on your face disappear. a girl who traps your soul in utter despair, a girl that you did everything for which was ultimately in vain…having a girl like that come back into your life, even if for just a few hours, is quite possibly one of the worst emotions you can ever go through.
That’s what I have been dealing with for the past few days….She kept asking why I am not excited to see her; why I am not talking to her…why I am being so quiet. She asked me if I was mad at her. I brushed her questions off as well as I could. I put on the best facade I could. There is no point.
They say it is better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all. I think that is absurd. I wish I had never met this girl. I wish I had never loved her. I wish I was ignorant as to what love really is. It has all been in vain. I got nothing out of it. And now because of it, I am insecure, unhappy and not able to live up to my full potential. I am starting to ask questions about myself that I had never dreamed about asking (and that’s not a good thing). This has not made me stronger. It makes me weaker by the day. I have forgotten what it is like to be happy. I don’t even know if I can recognize happiness anymore. I am unable to sleep and even when I do sleep, I have horrid nightmares which make me scared to fall back asleep yet. Is this what love is?
Love is only good when it is good to you. If love is not good to you, it is one of the most wretched of cognitions.