The Night of Insomnia

I can’t sleep (again). Its 1.42am right now. This happens to me more and more these days. I thought my insomnia had gone but apparently it hasn’t. Maybe it’s not insomnia. Now that I think about it, I have had at least 2 cans of coke today. That doesn’t include the class of coke I had at the airport today with TEH ROOOOP….ohhhh teh Roop. I had some cha inbetween all that as well. Maybe Im just high on all that right now. Thank God I don’t have a class until 2 in the afternoon.

I was surfing youtube a few months ago and found this amazing version of Gham Hai Ya Khushi Hai by Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan. Its not only a live performance but it is by far the best version of this song I have ever heard. The lyrics of the song itself make it amazing but the soul and love that Nusrat adds to it…words cannot describe how beautiful this song is. Now that he has passed on, its so eerie to see him in a live performance. I miss Nusrat like you wouldn’t believe. I never actually thought I would ever feel this for a “celebrity” (that is the worst word to describe a person like Nusrat), but I mean, how can I not. Anyways, here is the song:

I am going to try and get some sleep now.

I Wish Music Can Adopt Me…

A few days ago I was having a conversation with a friend of mine on the phone. At first I thought it was going to be another convo about nothing. But then the topic if music came up. The conversation ended up being two hours of us reminiscing about all the songs we used to listen to when we were kids (way back in the 90s). I never fully realized this until that night. Music has had such an impact on my life, more so than I realized.

Everytime I hear an old song, say, Frozen by Madonna, for example, I can automatically recall what grade that was, what was going on in my life at that time and what was to come after. I remember what teachers I had, what friends I had and what house I lived in. I remember how I used to think at the time, and what I thought I’d never think. I remember how beautiful I thought music was at the time. Now I am lucky to be reminded of that maybe twice a year at best. I remember what other songs I used to love and what songs I used to hate. I remember what clothes I used to wear and what shoes. I remember what locker I put my books in and what classes I had. I remember what feelings I used to feel for which girl in which class. I remember which songs made me feel more for that girl than anything else ever could. I remember what feelings I got when I heard a certain song when it rained, or when it was sunny. I remember how much I loved life when I heard a song. I could do that and so much more, just by listening to one song.

Music helps me remind myself of how innocent time was and how it has changed. Music, helps define time and put it into context and adds a bit of romanticism to it all. Music completes time; or at least, completed my time. I’ve been thinking about this for a few days now. If it weren’t for music, I could have very well forgotten the history of my life…the stories, the events, the changes…everything that I went through when that one particular song was playing. How amazing is that. The power of one song playing on the radio has the potential to not only preserve time, but to conquer it; to preserve our own personal histories so we never forget our pasts. People often say that music is a part of them or that music is inside of them. I beleive them. But I would go further. I would say music is me. Music is directly or indirectly a part of my daily life. It has been like that since I can remember. I always have a tune in my head. Some days it relaxes me. Some days it depresses me. Some days it intoxicates me. My fingers are always playing tabla beats. Its natural for me to do so. I can’t help it and I can’t stop it.

A few years ago Eric Sermon came out with a song in which he sampled Marvin Gaye. The song was called “Just Like Music.” It was a simple song that wouldn’t have caught my attention were it not for the Marvin Gaye Sample. There is however one line in that song that sums up everything in this post. The song is essentially talking about how music is this sensation, how it gets him into a zone and all that. But the one line that he says makes the entire song amazing. He says: Make me call my homie on the phone/Like there’s something new out/That got me in the zone/Jus’ that feelin’/Got me/I wish Music can adopt me.

Oh Blog How I Missed Thee

The days have been long and the work has been hard. I wanted to write here for so long but I just didn’t get enough time. School has been getting hard. School is probably the biggest stress I have right now. If I don’t do well this semester, its pretty much over. And this semester is among the hardest as well. So much work to do, its not even funny. We’ll see how it goes.

I got threatened last week. This is what happened: This guy comes into the store and asks me to provide him with a service we offer. He had a few requests which I fulfulled. For some reason, right when this guy walked in, I knew he would give me problems. And my instincts were right. When he came back to pick up his stuff and pay me, I told him what the price was and he flipped out on me. This idiot of a guy threatened to kill me. He started yelling at me infront of all the clients and just going off. I told him our prices are listed right where everyone drops off their stuff (interestingly enough, the prices were listed right infront of him as he yelled at me). He gave me the money and inside I was laughing. But for some reason, I was scared for the entire weekend that his maniac would come in and kill me. Maybe its normal for that to happen. I’ve never really been threatened with my life before so Im kinda new at this. We lost a customer but whatever. If you’re stupid and can’t read and don’t value the work people do for you, go into a whole and die. I don’t want or need your money. This only confirmes my belief that people are inherantly stupid.

I’ve been procrastinating again. I have to find a job because my parents don’t want to pay me. I have to get my resume updated but I find the process of going out and searching for a job extremely demoralizing and depressing. Moreover, I am of the belief that if anyone is attending post secondary, they SHOULD NOT have to work in order to sustain themselves. Students put in hours and effort into school than they do into any McDonald’s job that, at the end of the day, has no signifigance or intrinsic worth. In essence, school is a full time job that is not only good for obvious reasons, it has an intrinsic value that cannot be expressed in monetary terms. A student, therefore should put all their energy into activities that are related to school. They should not have to worry about the fact that they “have work in the morning,” – a phrase that literally makes me sick to my stomach.

My philosophy prof said something intriguing a few weeks ago which has still stuck to me. He said that if it were up to him, he would abolish the entire grading system. Why? Because grades kill school, especially post secondary like university or college. He is of the belief that grades are used as a means of bribing students into learning. Or to put it another way, grades are the carrot and the students are the donkey. Once grades are introduced into learning, the love and excitement that comes with learning goes away. Why? Because grades are in essence a cohersive tool to used to get someone to coup with learning, rather than falling in love with learning so as to achieve the necessary grades to get into Law, Grad, or for a job. Grades therefore kill school and kill learning. Grades don’t acruately reflect how much a person knows or even what they know. Grades measure how much and how well a person memorized at that particular time and day. I find this to be very true.

Thorns…

The pain just never ceases to leave. They are like thorns that either continuously prick at my soul and my heart. Or they prick me periodically, allowing me to never fully know what it is like to be happy. I don’t know how to get rid of it. I tried hating, I tried resenting but it has only gotten me so far. Why can’t all this pain just leave? I guess it’ll leave when happiness finally enters. God knows when that will be.

Its hard to imagine now, at this point in time that one person can make you so happy. I have honestly forgotten the days of love. I have forgotten how it felt like to be in love. I have forgotten what it felt like to recieve affection…and to give it. And honestly, I don’t think I want to remember. Because remembering brings back old memories and I just don’t have the energy to relive all of that. I have asked this before and I still have not found an answer for this: The heart is among the strongest organs in our body. And yet, God had made it fragile. He has made it strong enough to give a person life. And yet, it is so weak that it once it is broken, it also shatters the soul. Once the heart is broken, it drives men mad. It drove Ranjha to eat that sweet and kill himself. It drove Shah Jahan to seclude himself away from everyone for a year. The very organ that gives us life also has the ability to make our expression lifeless. Poets, philosophers and madmen have all asked this question, I am sure. But to this day, nobody has found the answer to it. Why is something so strong so fragile at the same time…?

Going Back In Time…

Don’t we all…or well most of us anyways, wish we could go back in time? If I were to go back in time, I would go back for two things. For one, I would not get into the relationship I did some years ago and develop those feelings for her which I can’t get rid of. And Second, I would try harder in school; the topic of this entry.

I don’t know what it is but it seems that the harder that I have tried, the crappier I have done. And the less work I have put in, the better I have done. High school is what I regret the most probably. If I had learned to study in high school, I would be doing so much better now. And its so frustrating because I love what I learn. I wouldn’t want to be learning anything else…well except for medicine. I love what I learn and yet, my marks suggest that I don’t. Now its coming to the point where its do or die. And if I don’t do, I WILL die. I have nothing else to go back to…nothing else to fall back on. If this is taken away from me, I don’t know what I will do. And the weird thing is, I am scared but I am not paniced. Maybe that’s a good thing but it feels so wrong…and eerie. I hate logging on to the Uni website because I get so depressed..all these thoughts of failure come rushing into my head. I know I have to face this stuff head on but I don’t have the guts to…I don’t have the energy. And yet, if I don’t get my act together, I will be left with nothing. How odd is that. I think the only thing I have left now is prayer. And God knows I don’t do a whole lot of that.

Relationships…

Have you ever thought why relationships exist? Not just a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship…any kind of relationship. Be it a relationship with a friend, a loved one, a colleague…whatever. Why do we have them? I can’t quantify this with source but it seems like 90% of all the relationships we develop over the course of our lifetime seem to end in one way or another. If so many of our relationships end, why do we have them in the first place? What is the point? It seems like the relationships we need the most at a particular time sever somehow. And relationships that we may need the least at the time start to develop…but then they sever. Some relationships, when they end, hurt more than others. Some hurt really bad. So why, after going through the pain of ending a particular relationship, do we continuously seek out these relationships. What is in the human psyche that drives us to search of such bonds?

I never understand these people that get continuously get hurt after ending one relationship over another. How can they keep going through that pain over and over and over again? Do they thrive on that pain? This probably doesn’t make sense to anyone who is reading this. I am not even sure it makes any sense to me. Maybe I am struggling to articulate my thoughts properly. I am just very confused about relationships. If we lose most of our relationships, why do we bother to have them in the first place?

Vengence Is Not Justice

The trial and death of Saddam Hussien is nothing but a passion crime committed by Iraqi body politic and judiciary. I use the term passion crime purposely. I appears as though the Iraqi government seemed so determined to kill Saddam that they were willing to sacrifice justice inso that they felt that justice was indeed done. But this was clearly not the case.

Nobody is denying that Saddam was a brutal dictator that ran a virtual killing machine inside Iraq. Even the Sunni people in Iraq feared him. But here lies the problem: Iraq now claims to be a democracy. Iraq could have shown the world through the Trials of Saddam that despite what Hussien did during his rule, that even during a state of near chaos, the judiciary could try Saddam in a way that would truely achieve justice. Instead, they deviated from the law and rationality and appealed to their animal instincts and killed Saddam on the most holiest days of the Islamic Calender.

The many flaws of the trial are pretty much on record. Many human rights organiztions and justice rights organizations have put out reports condeming the trial. I won’t get into that right now. However, what I will get into is the way the execution was well…executed. One of the people that was present at the hanging claimed that he was very happy that the hanging was done with respect, abiding by all Islamic principles allowing for Saddam to die with some dignity. This was hardly the case. As that cell phone video clearly shows, it was anything but Islamic. Islam does not advocate the taunting of prisoner at is last moments. Islam certainly does not permit anyone to dance, cheer and celebrate around the dead body; another proof that animal instincts were at the heart of the Death of Saddam.

Sunni lawyers were forbidden to enter into the gallows to watch Saddam breath his last breath. Moreover, some of the Shias in the room changed the name of Mohammad Bakr al Sadr, as can be verified by the witnesses in the room and as well, the cell phone video. If one were to extrapolate this environment into the realm of reality in Iraq, there are many similarities. It shows that overall Iraqi society has, if not already, degenerated into chaos, similar to Saddam’s last minutes at his execution. It shows that Sunnis will be disenfranchised from Iraqi society for a very long time to come. And it shows that animal instincts are the reality that powering the machine that is the Iraqi democracy.

Once again people around the world have shown that so long as humans resort to their animal instincts, justice will never prevail. Rather, this shows how violently justice gets raped by vengence, helpless as it watches the dead eyes of that which robs it of everything she thought she was. For those that think justice was done on Eid, I say to them, it is because of people like you that justice has lost all its innocence.

…not bad considering its 1:35am and Im all drugged up because of my cold.